July 13- Hormonal Meltdown

     Today I had my first meltdown. I went shopping to try to find some cute dresses since I've been doing that rather than getting maternity clothes. Boy did I have a tough time! Last week I went to Ross and tried  on about 20 dresses and found two that looked decent. So today I tried to do the same. I tried on 15 dresses and I looked like a tank and all of them. I am totally fine with getting a baby bump in fact I look forward to that. But my arms and legs and ass are getting out of control. And I feel lake I don't have anyone to talk to you about it. If I say anything to my mom or my friends there responses that I'm pregnant. But that's not what I'm talking about. I totally get that my stomach is going to get big, it's the rest of me I have an issue with. Especially since it's still early on! I've figured out what happened. I had lost so much weight this past year and did the whole no carb thing and anytime you lose a lot of weight, when you gain it back it's always a lot more. So just two months of incorporating bread again and my weight has come back with a vengeance. Now that I'm starting to feel better and aren't nearly as nauseous all the time I can eliminate bread again and get back to eating healthy. This week I been able to do my green smoothies for breakfast again so that's a start. I know I can't really lose weight at this point but my goal is to tighten my arms and legs back up. I did some weights and stationary bike at the gym this morning and then did some Pilates in the afternoon. It feels good to have the energy to do this stuff again.

     Having struggled with weight my entire life and in recent years finally getting to where I want to be, it's really hard to see my body change back into what it once was. I've read that if you had body issues before getting pregnant it will get amplified as your body changes. So at least I know I'm not alone in feeling this way. I also feel bad talking to anyone about it because I worked so hard to get pregnant but I don't want to seem like I'm complaining. But I have yet to find any forums are resources online where people have said they've gained 20 pounds even with twins in this short amount of time. Most things I read, people are complaining that they gained 10 pounds and are really upset about it. So you can imagine how that makes me feel! Over the past couple of years people have started looking up to me as the fitness and health guru and always comes me and ask for help in losing weight. I've tried it myself on becoming a person. So see myself change, even though it's for a good cause, makes me not feel like myself anymore.

     So tonight when the hubs came home I started telling him about my day. That's when the waterworks came. I've holding in my feelings for a while now so it all came pouring out. I cried my eyes out and my husband was so good. He just listens and repeated back to me how I was feeling and said he understood. He said he still thinks I'm beautiful and that I'm way too hard on myself. That I have to remember all I accomplished in getting pregnant in the face of being told I had a one in ten million chance. He said while he can't fully understand what I'm feeling, he knows how hard I worked to get fit so he does understand why I'm feeling the way I am.  He also said since I can't lose weight right now I need to find a way to be more forgiving and accepting of what's going on with my body. I know he's right, but it's going to be capable to do. I just need to dig deep I guess. And hopefully now that I'm feeling better I tone back up a little at least.

I felt better after a good cry. I guess I needed it!