July 26- Dis-Appointment

     So today I had my appointment with my OB/GYN. My husband took off for it because we thought we would get an ultrasound and get to find out the genders. That much to our dismay when we got there we found out we were misinformed by the receptionist and would not be getting an ultrasound today. I asked my doctor why and she said it was because we already had one the week before with MFM. I knew that, but was told when I set up the appointment the previous month that this would also be an ultrasound. So needless to say, we were pretty disappointed. All I got this visit was a Pap smear. I bet my husband was glad he took off work for that!

     The next ultrasound won't be until August 20 with MFN. There's not a chance in hell I can wait that long to find out what I'm having. So I immediately started searching for a third-party ultrasound place. The sucky thing is we are leaving to go visit the in-laws first thing tomorrow morning so I don't have to be once we get back. I shopped around to see who had the best prices and I found prenatal impressions which guarantees they can determine the gender by 14 weeks for $59. That should work out perfectly sent I'll be 16 weeks when I go. The appointment is set for noon on August 5th, and it's right near my hubby's work so he can just go on his lunch break. It's only a week and a half but I am so damn anxious to find out it's killing me! At least I'll have the upcoming trip as a distraction. I'm just super bummed because we were hoping to find out the sex so we could tell all the family when we visit. Guess we'll all have to wait!

July 16- Hellooo Second Trimester!

     I'm FINALLY starting to feel better and not like death warmed over all the time. While I know I am truly blessed to be carrying twins (and even pregnant at all!) I won't lie, it was a rough few weeks. Violently throwing up and peeing myself at the same time became routine for me, and I was perpetually nauseous. This weekend I hit my second trimester and I'm finally start feeling like myself again. I have enough strength and energy now to have good workouts again and not drag myself through them. I still can't believe I've gained 20 pounds the first trimester. And that's with working out all the time! But now that I'm no longer sick all the time I'm laying off the bread again and back to drinking my green smoothies in the morning. I'm definitely starting to get a baby bump. The hubs loves that. It's so cute how he wants me to look bigger so he can feel all proud that "he put those in there." LOL. I'm not feeling any movement yet, but it does feel like I've got tennis balls or something stuffed in my pelvic area. Which is making me have to pee every five minutes. If it gets any worse I may need a catheter bag! Perhaps Coach makes one? ;-) 

     Today we had our appointment with maternal fetal medicine. I didn't get to meet our doctor this appointment, that is scheduled for next time. We got to have an ultrasound, which we really love seeing the little ones on the screen. They had to do the NT scan as part of the first trimester screening. When I went in a expected to do the ultrasound vaginally as that's how they've been in the past. To my surprise, it was the kind over the belly. We're progressing! There's always that moment of nervousness when they first appear on the screen. Just want to make sure everything still going okay. But there they were, both of them squirming around like crazy! The nurse said that they are stacked sort of like bunk beds and in slightly different positions - Baby B (the one on top) is facing head down and Baby A (at the bottom is sort of sideways). Which doesn't make sense to me because in looking at the picture they don't look like they're in opposite directions. But what do I know?

     So she started the NT scan on Baby B first. (It will be so nice to find out their sex so we can name them). This consisted of checking for a nasal bone and measuring the space or fluid sac in the back of the neck. This is to for signs of Down Syndrome. Baby B  was in the right position and everything measured out okay. When it came time to check on Baby A, the little guy (or girl) decided to be complicated. As soon as the nurse started checking it out, it started squirming around all over the place. I was watching it on the screen with bewilderment wondering what was going on. Then it hit me that the baby was actually turning itself around to face my back! I could tell the nurse was getting frustrated but I wasn't sure what we could really do about it. She finally made me get up and empty my bladder again and move around a little bit. Then when I laid back down she started poking at my stomach until the baby actually flipped back over! That is so crazy that poking around down there actually makes them move. And what's even crazier to me is that I can't feel that at all! At least not yet. Luckily, Baby A was finally able to be checked out and everything looked okay. I was actually kind of surprised that the ultrasound picture wasn't as clear as the one at my doctor's office and this was at Winnie Palmer Hospital which is one of the best in the country. What I like about the one at my OB's office is they have a giant 50 inch screen in front of you so you can see the images up close. Seems like the picture is definitely more crisp there, too. But luckily I will be going to both doctors frequently so I'll get to see them at both places. Oh and the nurse said she thought one MIGHT be a girl and at first said she thought the other MIGHT be a boy, but once Baby A changed positions she couldn't get a clear shot. But she did say she was only guessing because it was hard to get a clear view. Ahh!!! I want to know NOW damn it! The boy/girl combo is definitely what we're hoping for, but for some reason I have this nagging feeling that it could be two girls. Only time will tell! I have an appt with my OB next Fri so fingers crossed she'll be able to tell by then...

     The next step was the doctor coming in and checking the images to see if everything looked okay. It's not the doctor I'll have there, I'll get to meet him in August. But it's still one of the maternal fetal medicine doctors. He said everything looked good and asked which screening I was getting done. I told him the genetic counselor suggested I do a integrated sequential screening, which is where they draw blood now and then in another month and compare the two numbers to give you a probability of down syndrome and trisomy. Which is a whole lot of waiting! Especially since those with singleton pregnancies get a fancy new test that gives them the results at a 98% accuracy rate within a few days! But it doesn't work with twins. :-/  This doctor suggested we do something called a modified sequential screening which just means will get the results back from the first blood draw and then still do the second one next month. The results of the first test gives an 80% accuracy rate and then when you combine the one from the second blood draw it jumps up to the high 90s. This doctor recently transferred from New York and said that's what they do there and honestly New York is so much more progressive than Florida I was totally on board with it.  Especially since we'll get some results back sooner. So, back to more waiting!

                                                 Baby B Sucking thumb

  Baby A (looking a bit creepy)

The Twins together. Baby A being a little bugger and turned around

July 13- Hormonal Meltdown

     Today I had my first meltdown. I went shopping to try to find some cute dresses since I've been doing that rather than getting maternity clothes. Boy did I have a tough time! Last week I went to Ross and tried  on about 20 dresses and found two that looked decent. So today I tried to do the same. I tried on 15 dresses and I looked like a tank and all of them. I am totally fine with getting a baby bump in fact I look forward to that. But my arms and legs and ass are getting out of control. And I feel lake I don't have anyone to talk to you about it. If I say anything to my mom or my friends there responses that I'm pregnant. But that's not what I'm talking about. I totally get that my stomach is going to get big, it's the rest of me I have an issue with. Especially since it's still early on! I've figured out what happened. I had lost so much weight this past year and did the whole no carb thing and anytime you lose a lot of weight, when you gain it back it's always a lot more. So just two months of incorporating bread again and my weight has come back with a vengeance. Now that I'm starting to feel better and aren't nearly as nauseous all the time I can eliminate bread again and get back to eating healthy. This week I been able to do my green smoothies for breakfast again so that's a start. I know I can't really lose weight at this point but my goal is to tighten my arms and legs back up. I did some weights and stationary bike at the gym this morning and then did some Pilates in the afternoon. It feels good to have the energy to do this stuff again.

     Having struggled with weight my entire life and in recent years finally getting to where I want to be, it's really hard to see my body change back into what it once was. I've read that if you had body issues before getting pregnant it will get amplified as your body changes. So at least I know I'm not alone in feeling this way. I also feel bad talking to anyone about it because I worked so hard to get pregnant but I don't want to seem like I'm complaining. But I have yet to find any forums are resources online where people have said they've gained 20 pounds even with twins in this short amount of time. Most things I read, people are complaining that they gained 10 pounds and are really upset about it. So you can imagine how that makes me feel! Over the past couple of years people have started looking up to me as the fitness and health guru and always comes me and ask for help in losing weight. I've tried it myself on becoming a person. So see myself change, even though it's for a good cause, makes me not feel like myself anymore.

     So tonight when the hubs came home I started telling him about my day. That's when the waterworks came. I've holding in my feelings for a while now so it all came pouring out. I cried my eyes out and my husband was so good. He just listens and repeated back to me how I was feeling and said he understood. He said he still thinks I'm beautiful and that I'm way too hard on myself. That I have to remember all I accomplished in getting pregnant in the face of being told I had a one in ten million chance. He said while he can't fully understand what I'm feeling, he knows how hard I worked to get fit so he does understand why I'm feeling the way I am.  He also said since I can't lose weight right now I need to find a way to be more forgiving and accepting of what's going on with my body. I know he's right, but it's going to be capable to do. I just need to dig deep I guess. And hopefully now that I'm feeling better I tone back up a little at least.

I felt better after a good cry. I guess I needed it!

July 6- A Visit with Dr. Fu

     Having a really hard time today. I was doing so good all day yesterday. I relaxed,  did nothing all day, and then I did a load of laundry around 6 o'clock and it was all over. I don't know if it was the constant leaning over to pick up clothes to fold them, but I threw my guts up, so badly  it was coming out of my nose and of course I peed myself again. Like a huge yellow puddle on the floor. I felt sick for the rest of the night, all through the night, and still today. I forced myself to go to dance although I only made it through about three quarters of the class. I had to go though, I hadn't worked out in a few days. I made an appointment right afterward to see Dr. Fu. It's been a month since I've seen her. (For those of you who didn't read my "One in Ten Million" blog, she was my Traditional Chinese Medicine Dr I saw for herbs and acupuncture to reverse my Premature Ovarian Failure, and I feel the number one reason I was able to get pregnant). I would love to go every week still but with me not working I just can't afford to shell out $75 a week. Not that G wouldn't take care of it for me, but he's also got to pay an additional $300 a month for my healthcare right now and that's a priority.
     So I saw Dr. Fu and of course she was happy to see me. But she did mention multiple times how surprised she was at how much weight I've gained. Like I need to hear that! I know she didn't mean anything bad by it, she was genuinely shocked. And I know it's not like I'm some big whale right now but I had gotten pretty skinny before I got pregnant, so it's a noticeable difference. I showed her pictures of the most recent ultrasound and told her about my maternal fetal medicine appointment coming up. She told me about another patient of hers who had the same AMH as me and is also pregnant. Dr. Fu sure works wonders! Although I wish it worked as good for nausea. She stuck me with a bunch of needles for that and I felt a little better afterward, but really that seasick queasy feeling is just always there. The few moments that it's not I feel like kicking my heels up and skipping around town. And then sometimes I'll feel okay during the day and then get sick that night which is when my poor hubby gets home, so I feel bad that it's like I wait to get sick until he gets there! But he's really been so great and understanding throughout this whole thing so far. And I've tried to be good to him back. Mostly by not saying what's on my mind at the time. For example there are times when I am feeling nauseous and cranky and blah which makes him get all cranky and blah and all I want is for him to put on a happy face and somehow cheer me up. (Which in reality it's probably Mission impossible). But then on the flip side when I'm feeling queasy and he's all chipper and bubbly I just want to punch him in the face. Gotta love those hormones!