September 3- Excitedly Terrified

     It's been a few days and I'm still feeling the twins move every time I sit or lay still. I feel River the most and I'm not sure if that's because he's smushed closer down my pelvis or if it's that he just moves around more than Riley. I mean, he's the one always being complicated by squirming and flipping around during ultrasounds so it could very well be that I have a future Cirque Du Soliel performer stuffed in my uterus. Poor G really wants to feel it, too. Every once in a while if I start feeling them move and I keep my hand pressed down over the spot I'll feel a little flick from the outside, but not always. So he'll put his hand in the spot and hold it there but hasn't felt anything yet. He feels a little left out, but I'm sure that moment is vast approaching and before long I'll be feeling it a lot stronger. (Cue: "Everybody was Kung Fu Fight-ing")

     I recently realized that what I'm picturing going on in my belly is not quite right. Since it feels sort of bubbly I've been imagining a wide open space with the two of them in their little sacs floating around bouncing off my innards like a pinball causing me to feel them. But that's not the case. In actuality they are crammed in there like sardines and the movement I feel is their limbs pushing into me as the kick or shift positions. Duh. I have no idea why I was picturing it the other way. I guess because the whole concept of having living creatures move around inside me is completely foreign to me. It's a cool feeling and every time I feel them it makes me instantly focus in on it and tell whoever is around that I'm feeling it. Maybe it that's the extrovert in me; I want someone else to share the feeling with me so I'm not experiencing it on my own. In that respect, I really do wish G could feel everything I do. It would be great if our partners could go through all this at the same time, wouldn't it?!

     Finally feeling all the commotion that's going on inside me has put me on an emotional roller coaster ride though. Not in the sense that I get all weepy over it. This roller coaster consists of going back and forth from excitement to terror. One minute I'm pondering how amazing it is that I've got two babies growing inside me and the next I'm thinking holy shit I've got TWO BABIES growing inside me... Which leads to me thinking about them getting bigger and me getting to the point of eventually being miserably uncomfortable, followed by the worst pain I'll supposedly ever feel in my life and then poof! there will be two babies in this world. Then there goes the panic attack! All they stuff excites me in some ways and terrifies me in others. But I'm guessing I'm not the first person to feel this way. It was funny, the other night I went through the whole feeling one way and then the other and G was like, "wait... you were just feeling all amazed and happy ten minutes ago!" Yup... And I'm sure it will bounce back and forth in my crazy head for the rest of the pregnancy! So for now I just have to take a deep breath and try to relax about it because there ain't no getting off this crazy train, so I might as well embrace it!