October 29- Facing the Facts

The past few days I have been feeling okay and diligently awaiting the news of my release. I figured for sure I would be sent home on bed rest for the remainder of the pregnancy, and as much as that would suck, I am willing to do whatever it takes. So when my MFM doctor came in tonight to check on me tonight, I asked him what the plan was. And while I appreciate the fact that he was straight with me, it was NOT the answer I wanted to hear....

I asked him when I would be going home. I was thinking a day, maybe a few... I had been getting mixed signals from the different nurses this whole time. One would come in and say, "so I hear you'll be staying with us a while" and the next would say if everything remained quiet in my cervix and no more contractions, I should be going home within a day or so. Well, my doctor told me he knows I like concrete answers so he was just going to level with me. He said I would basically be staying until the babies are born. Which might be days, weeks or longer. His words came out like a dagger... a dull, rusty one that got stuck in my rib cage. I could feel the tears brimming over and it took all I had not to lose my shit. My parents, good friend and husband were in the room with me and I could feel their eyes penetrating through me wondering how I would take the news. I could see the look on my husbands face, he who knows me better than anyone, and I could feel the crushing blow in his eyes reflecting my dismay. The doctors can't even give me a ball park estimate of how long this will be because everyone is different. Their hope is to keep me until 34 weeks, at which point if I made it that far I could go home. Which is baffling to me because if I made it that far, why on earth would they send me home then?? Wouldn't I be in the same position where if I went into labor again I'd need to be rushed here immediately? But apparently it is because by then the babies would be fine and it wouldn't be seen as a dire emergency as it is now since they wouldn't try to stop it at that point. That is 5 1/2 weeks from now. The thought of being holed up in here that long, left to rot in a hospital bed, is too much for my brain to handle. Of course, I could go into labor earlier, but their plan is to continually try and stop it if I do, which is torture unto itself. 

I just can't believe this. It has been smooth sailing the whole pregnancy and I have been super active and feeling great. This was the very thing I feared the most when I found out I was pregnant with twins. Everything I read was all doom and gloom and people going on bed rest and it had me in a panic. But as time progressed and I was doing as well as I was, I started thinking it wasn't going to happen to me. Especially recently when I reached the third trimester and I was still dancing six days a week and full of energy. The day I came in I had seen a lot of different friends and we were all commenting on how awesome I've been feeling and what a good pregnancy this has been. ALL of my doctor visits and ultrasounds have shown everything was going perfectly, so I feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me. It would be a lot easier knowing how long I will be in here, but the fact that it could be ANY amount of time is enough to put me into a panic attack. But I am trying to stay calm and positive... it's just really hard. I am such an active person so being confined to a bed indefinitely is a nightmare for me. But right now I have no choice, so all I can do it ride it out and hope for the best.